Episode 5 has aired, King’s Landing has fallen, and “Game of Thrones” has some answering to do.
Here are some questions, because nobody seems to know what on earth is going on:
Why did they compress years worth of content into one season?
A top advisor to the queen betrays her and it’s all wrapped up in 45 minutes of screentime? Killing off King Robert took half a season and he literally did not matter.
They also just skipped over any travel because screw it, apparently people can pop up wherever they want now.
And then there was the huge naval battle, which could have potentially decided the war, being delegated to a quick blurb presented with zero context.
How did Euron know where they’d be? Why were they caught entirely unaware if they have multiple giant flying lizards to look at things for them? Did anyone do any planning at all, or were they just bopping around on the ocean to see the sights?
A signature aspect of “Game of Thrones” is the characters spend way too much time sitting around enormous tables in terribly dark rooms, drink wine and talk about things for hours. It is good.
This thing they do now, where they have a little chat like, “Hey, I wanna do this” and then the next scene they’ve crossed an entire continent? That is bad.
Speaking of the chats that fans of the show have convinced themselves to love, they used to feature all sorts of lords and ladies, none of which have been seen so far this season because apparently they’re either cowering in their castle or they were cut because the CGI dragon budget was to high. What’s up with the Vale? Riverrun? Are they empty? Seems like something that would have been shown if there were more than six episodes to wrap up one of the most complicated television series of all time, I bet.
What about the Queensguard? They were all pretty major characters before — who is even in it now? Sandor killed them all so it really doesn’t matter but it seems like an oversight.
And Dany, the sweet little innocent conqueror, turned from idealistic, inspiring leader to wide-eyed mass murderer in about a week. And she made the Houston Rockets lose Game 7, probably.
If the whole point of the last season is supposed to show Danerys descending into madness, maybe give a little hint of that before she decides to destroy her new castle for no reason? Like, her whole thing was wanting the Iron Throne so she completely buries it in rubble?
In the midst of smashing her new house, Dany also took down most of two armies and an entire city. With one dragon. Because the dragons’ consistency is nonexistent. One giant spear gun on a ship? Dead dragon. Dozens of giant spear guns on a bunch of ships and also the walls of a city? Effortless destruction. Get it together Drogon — side note, naming a dragon Drogon is like naming a hamster Homster and, while it could be forgiven when the show was still good, it is now absurd.
Another stupid personality switch was Grey Worm, who was a brainwashed eunuch killing machine who turns into a wild card who just loves to throw spears at people for no reason. He should also wear his helmet more, as his head is very exposed.
And now it’s time to move on to the storylines that either were useless or wrapped up way too fast because the show’s creators were over the whole show.
First off, why doesn’t Arya do her face changing thing anymore? And why did they even have her sleep with Gendry if she was just going to ditch him right after?
Second, what on earth is Jaime’s deal? He spends so much time on this weird redemption arc, proves himself, then decides he’s the worst again and gets in some weird sword fight on the beach with Euron Greyjoy, of all people. Why were they fighting? Did they even know each other? Terrible.
Another dumb fight was between the Clegane brothers, because at some point during the last three seasons everyone stopped calling the giant zombie man Robert Strong and just knew that he was the reanimated corpse of Gregor Clegane. But what did he do the entire time he was back from the dead? Scare people? Give a slightly satisfying to the storyline of Sandor, a minor character who literally chopped a child in half for fun in the first season? Waste of zombie makeup.
And the whole religion where the priests can just bring people back from the dead? Why did nobody ever take advantage of that?
So let’s talk about what will happen in the series finale, which assumably will get even more out of pocket.
Since everyone’s either dead or mad at Danerys they’ll either run away to the North or try to usurp her. I’m going to some usurping here, for sure. Perhaps in the form of an election. Which, of course, will require a debate, where Lord Davos will show up, defend his previous support of Stannis and tell everyone to vote for him because once he’s the king Danerys will have an epiphany and work with her opponents to come to a mutually satisfactory agreement.
Last episode airs Sunday at 6 p.m.