The Amazon is burning, political discourse has dissolved into a viral video contest or something, hurricane season is coming and Frank Ocean hasn’t released a new album since 2016. The world needs some mind-numbing entertainment.
“Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw” is too boring to even achieve that.
Theoretically, it’s about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Jason Statham doing a buddy cop thing where they fight against some poorly defined, somewhat ominous deep-state organization that wants to release a deadly virus to kill millions and jump-start the next stage of human evolution. One of them is named Hobbs, the other one is named Shaw and it truly does not matter which is which.
Statham’s sister Hattie, who’s a very pretty high-level British secret intelligence operative, injects caplets containing the virus into her palm to keep the bad guy (Idris Elba) from getting his technologically enhanced hands on it. The Rock and Statham are sent to stop the bad guy. Here’s how the rest of the movie goes:
- Pretty girl makes wisecrack to cover up her growing terror at her increasingly desperate situation
- Brooding guitar music plays as The Rock gazes into her eyes and says “You know, sometimes the only thing that gets us going is the last thing we want to hear” or some garbage like that
- A spark appears in Hattie’s eyes as she begins to realize The Rock may be a bit more than the mindless meatball she assumed he was
- Jason Statham shows up, trading disgustingly basic insults with The Rock while they all make preparations for their next move
- Idris Elba chases them down and kicks the everlasting hell out of The Rock and Jason Statham while Hattie runs through the bad guy minions
- The three protagonists make a daring escape, things blow up, Idris Elba looks vaguely annoyed and blankly stares after them
- The Rock, Hattie and Jason Staythumb reach their next destination, where Hattie makes a wisecrack to cover her growing terror at her increasingly desperate situation
- Brooding guitar music plays
You get the picture.
However, while watching “Hobbs and Shaw” does absolutely nothing to stimulate or excite the mind, it does leave the audience sitting in a dark room for 137 minutes with nothing to do but ponder the bigger questions in life, like how The Rock went from being a WWE villain with tiny sunglasses to the highest-paid actor in the world, or how Jason Statham actually doesn’t have an upper lip.
Another fun thing to think about while watching this is that The Rock eats seven pounds of cod every day and how that really must feel terrible while Idris Elba is repeatedly punching him in the stomach.
The only interesting thing about this film is how, despite it allegedly being part of the “Fast and Furious” series, there are zero appearances by either Vin Diesel or a CGI Paul Walker — a disgrace.
In other news, Lil Nas X continues his run as most successful TweetDecker of all time by licensing “Old Town Road (feat. Billy Ray Cyrus) [Remix]” as the soundtrack to the new Rambo movie trailer, and they’re making a new “Zombieland” which, if things keep going the way they have been, will be bad enough to ruin the original forever.
Rating: Zero pounds of cod out of seven — stay home and watch “Chopped” or something.