John Wick gets his first kill of “John Wick: Chapter 3 — Parabellum” in the New York Public Library when NBA player Boban Marjanovic (playing an assassin) attacks him because John Wick has been declared excommunicado, which means everyone can start trying to kill him. John Wick takes a book, shoves in Boban’s mouth and punches it very hard several times. Then he takes it uses it to break Boban’s neck. Then he reshelves the book according to the Dewey Decimal system of library classification.
John Wick gets his second kill after leaving the underground doctor for assassins (he got stabbed in the first fight) when a group of men begin chasing him. He finds himself in a gun store; disassembles, reassembles and loads a revolver; then turns and shoots a guy in the head as he rushes through the door.
John Wick gets his third kill while fighting two men at once in a hallway full of knives and swords. He stabs one in the stomach just as a third man runs in and double chest kicks the pair of them.
John Wick gets his fourth kill when everyone begin throwing knives wildly at each other. He uses one of the men to block knives thrown by the others, then throws him to the ground and sticks him with a knife to the chest.
John Wick gets his fifth kill when he turns and throws his other knife directly in the remaining man’s belly.
John Wick gets his sixth kill when another guy runs into the hallway and right into a pair of blades flying through the air.
John Wick gets his seventh kill when yet another assassin shows up — it’s unclear from where — and John Wick bombards him with blades, eventually ending it by hitting him in the middle of the forehead.
John Wick gets his eighth kill when two more men rush him in the same hallway. He stabs one in the top of the head then punches the handle two times.
John Wick gets his ninth kill by breaking the other man’s neck. John Wick then leaves the hallway.
John Wick gets his 10th kill after being hit by two cars and running into a stable with a group of men chasing after him. John Wick hides behind a horse and slaps it on the rump, making it kick a guy in the head.
John Wick gets his 11th kill by getting a different horse to kick a different man’s head. Twice.
John Wick gets his 12th kill by tying a horse’s tether around the neck of a man then riding the horse out of the stable and into the street.
John Wick gets his 13th kill while riding the horse through the middle of New York City being chased by a group of people on motorcycles. As the first one catches up John Wick leans over to take his gun and shoots him in the head.
John Wick gets his 14th kill while hanging off the side of the horse to shield himself from any potential gunfire. Reaching around, he puts three shots into a pursuing motorcycle and the rider is flipped over the front and into a taxi.
John Wick gets his 15th kill in Casablanca, where he travels to meet his old assassin pal Sofia (Halle Berry). They meet with a new assassin who ends up shooting one of Sofia’s attack dogs. That is a very bad idea. In the ensuing chaos John Wick grabs the submachine gun of a guard and shoots him a lot of times.
John Wick gets his 16th and 17th kills when he uses the same gun on two other guards.
John Wick gets his 18th, 19th 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th,30th, 31st, 32nd, 33rd, 34th, 35th, 36th, 37th, 38th, 39th, 40th, 41st, 42nd, 43rd, 44th, 45th and 46th kills by kind of just running through the building on his way out and shooting everyone who comes at him. It’s important to note that during all this Sofia also kills a bunch of people and also that her attack dogs almost exclusively aim for the genitals.
John Wick gets his 47th kill back in New York City. A group of assassins meets him in the train station and John Wick slashes the throat of one of them after waiting for a group of schoolchildren to walk safely pass.
John Wick gets his 48th kill when he runs outside and tackles a man (who was trying to kill him) off a motorcycle, takes the guy’s helmet off and bashes him in the head with it.
John Wick gets his 49th kill by grabbing the gun of a second motorcyclist and shooting him in the chest.
John Wick gets his 50th and 51st kill while riding on his stolen motorcycle and shooting two people chasing him in their faces.
John Wick gets his 52nd kill by snatching the sword out of a man’s hand and running him through the chest (they’re all still on motorcycles at this point).
John Wick gets his 53rd kill because the previous victim crashes his bike into his friend.
John Wick gets his 54th and 55th kills by doing a two-for-one stab on a pair riding double.
John Wick then arrives at the New York City Continental hotel, where the High Table, which is the assassins’ ruling body, is sending in troops to kill the current manager. You see, in “John Wick: Chapter 2,” John Wick kills someone inside the hotel, which is very much against the rules. The manager declares him excommunicado, but first he gives John Wick one hour to escape.
The High Table does not appreciate this, and tells the manager to step down. The manager says no. Thus the attack team, and thus John Wick decides to help fight back.
John Wick kills a lot of people during this sequence, which is essentially the scene in “The Matrix” where Neo goes in to rescue Morpheus except without any superpowers. Instead there is some really big shotguns.
The point of all this is that “John Wick: Chapter 3 — Parabellum” is approximately two hours of nonsensical violence and it may or may not be the best movie of the last 15 years.
If you like watching Unproblematic King Keanu Reeves wear increasingly tattered suits, love his dog and kill everyone, watch “John Wick: Chapter 3 — Parabellum.” If you don’t, perhaps this isn’t the film for you.
“John Wick: Chapter 4” comes out in 2021. Do not let the world burn to a crisp before then.