During my however many days of living, I’ve spent dozens of hours watching “Ninjago.” I’ve seen every “High School Musical.” Every “Twilight.” All of “How I Met Your Mother.” I watched season four of “The O.C.” I can list multiple people from “90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days.” I even saw that movie where Diane Keaton and friends got horny over “50 Shades of Grey” in 2018. None of that was good.
“Last Christmas” is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
It’s one thing to make a bad movie. It’s another thing entirely to have a horrible marketing campaign, lowering everyone’s expectations, then open with 20 minutes of a perfectly fine movie before turning the remaining hour and 23 minutes into pure, disheartening garbage.
There are nice things about the movie, of course. There’s the trailer for “Little Women,” a delightful three-minute exercise in making the 1800’s look cool with the help of Emma Watson, Timothee Chalamet and the star of “Midsommar” (the only good movie of 2019). And there’s Emilia Clarke’s eyebrows, which are very expressive and extremely underutilized in “Game of Thrones.”
But there are so, so many more bad things.
First of all, it was playing during the Oregon-Memphis basketball game, which I would very much liked to have seen. People were being mean about #11’s shorts, but I say he made a bold choice to maximize comfort and who are we to judge.
Secondly, they force you to watch the trailer for “Cats,” starring Jason Derulo, which seems to be a dream come true for anyone who really liked the musical but wished it looked like more of a nightmare. It has James Corden in a fursuit.
I will now spoil “Last Christmas” for you.
Emilia Clark plays a woman who has recently recovered from a heart transplant, works at a Christmas store, drinks a lot, hates her mom and is mostly a mess. She meets a charming, handsome man — played by the charming, handsome man from “Crazy Rich Asians” — who shows her that there is so much more to live for, or something, by hanging out with her and showing her a nice park.
The park has a mural depicting what I’m pretty sure are characters from the online comic “Cyanide and Happiness,” which doesn’t make sense, shouldn’t make sense and has nothing to do with anything else in the movie.
Oh but twist! Turns out the charming man is the ghost of Emilia Clarke’s heart donor, who died after being hit by a bus and is there to teach her how to be happy or whatever.
Now that she has been haunted and changed literally nothing in her life besides her desire to make everyone hate her, everything is solved! He says, “Let’s face it, you were gonna have my heart either way,” and then she plans a Christmas musical benefit at a homeless shelter. And then the movie’s over.
The only possible lesson to take away from it is that this is a lonely, lonely world, and if even Danerys Targaryen and her eyebrows can’t find happiness without a ghost, we should all just shack up with the closest person who doesn’t hate us, call it a day and hope we don’t get hit by a bus.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Rating: Zero days of Christmas out of 12, buy a ticket and burn it as a sacrifice in hopes someone decides to make a movie that isn’t trash.