Okay everybody, it’s what you’ve all been waiting for: Orange County Madness continues. If you missed the first round of the tournament, please catch up here. Let’s go.
Sandy Cohen vs. Taylor Townsend: Taylor, a scrappy mid-major, snuck by Volchok in the last round thanks to a lucky matchup, but here she faces a true blue blood in Cool Dad Sandy. And she can’t hang. She does OK at first, sure, getting out to a quick 6-0 lead, but it was just a glimpse of glory before that door was shut forever.
Sandy hit her with the Zion Williamson dunk over her 6’8” center from Paducah, Kentucky, and her spirit is broken. Sandy runs away with this one.
Caleb Nichol vs. Oliver Trask: Vegas is scared for this one. On one hand there’s Caleb, a wealthy, successful, diabolical businessman who pops in to ruin his daughter’s day then goes off for a nice calamari at sunset. And then there’s Oliver, the trust fund psychopath, who has all of Caleb’s lack of human decency and none of his experience. It could go either way.
At first it looks like experience is going to win out here. Caleb is relentless, full-court pressing from the jump. A 15-point halftime cushion is ballooning, Oliver is looking sweatier and sweatier, the crowds are heading for the exit.
And then the unthinkable happens. Caleb’s age catches up and he collapses, unable to continue. With the rest of Caleb’s team in shock, Oliver is able to take layup after layup, waiting for the five second violation after each basket. The refs have completely lost control. Oliver steps into his glass slipper on the way out of the arena, finagling his way to a second win.
Summer Roberts vs. Hailey Nichol: Let’s be real, Hailey is completely outmatched. She doesn’t even show up to the game, instead rifling through her father’s wallet and disappearing to Patagonia or something.
Luke Ward vs. Anna Stern: Luke, the athlete of the bunch if there even is one, is able to use his experience and size to bully young Anna inside.
But Anna’s smart. And Anna’s crafty. And Anna flops.
Luke fouls out, and our Oregon connection can’t make it past the Sweet Sixteen.
Ryan Atwood vs. Theresa Diaz: Ryan just kind of stares at Theresa with his sad puppy eyes, silently wondering if he did the right thing by picking Marissa. He doesn’t even look at the ball.
So Theresa seems like she’s doing all right here, until the fourth TV timeout. While Red Panda balances on her unicycle, catching bowls upon her head like the superstar she is, Ryan sneaks into the opposing huddle.
“Remember Chino?” he asks wistfully.
“I can never go back there, Ryan,” Theresa responds, staring off into the distance.
Then, when he’s not looking, she leaves him to his new, bourgeois lifestyle, never to be seen again until the show’s writers run out of plot ideas and bring her back. Ryan wins via forfeit.
Jimmy Cooper vs. Julie Cooper: Let’s be real, Jimmy doesn’t have a chance here. Julie can’t even let him slink away quietly, instead mercilessly running down every rebound and thunder-dunking on his whole team, even the water boy.
At the end of the game, Jimmy is so ashamed that, in an attempt to win back Julie’s respect, he sneaks into the arena’s basement and steals Red Panda’s unicycle. He is immediately caught, due to his being a terrible criminal, and is rightfully imprisoned after a speedy trial.
Editor’s note: During Jimmy’s trial, Michael Avenatti holds a press conference and produces evidence that Julie took a sizable payment from Jimmy Choo during the recruiting process. She is ruled ineligible. With Julie out, Jimmy in jail and Kaitlin being boring, there is only one Cooper left to step in: Marissa. That’s right folks — she lives.
Seth Cohen vs. Kaitlin #2: With Kaitlin usually bullying her way through everyone and Seth being generally weak-willed, this game seems ripe for an upset. But right when it seemed like he was going to lose it all, Seth got hot, sealing the game on a no-look pass to Captain Oats for the dagger three from the corner.
Kirsten Cohen vs. Trey Atwood: Trey got shot in the last round, and when people get shot they generally don’t play basketball very well. Kirsten wins.
Sandy Cohen vs. Oliver Trask: Fortunately for Oliver, his wiles have seen him through to the Elite Eight. Unfortunately for Oliver, dealing with delinquent teens is Sandy’s specialty.
After a stern pregame talking-to, Oliver finds remorse and the weight of his actions come crashing down upon him, force-feeding over a decade of human emotions into his devious little heart.
He’s obviously useless in this game, and Sandy spends most of the clock consoling him at midcourt. After, of course, getting precisely one basket — he’s still here to win, after all.
Summer Roberts vs. Anna Stern: So here’s the thing: Summer’s character would be unable to produce storylines without Seth, and she would not be with Seth if Anna hadn’t pushed them together after her own relationship fizzled out. You might think Anna’s lovely natural tendencies would lead her to throw the game, but she’s from Chicago. And Chicagoans know how to win basketball games.
Summer simply cannot guard Anna’s inbounds plays, gets frustrated and storms off, knowing she’s been bested yet again. Happy New Years.
Ryan Atwood vs. Marissa Cooper: Marissa has been reborn, but her renaissance is a short one. Hecklers and naysayers cloud her mind, distracting her from everything good in her life and completely ruining her shooting stroke. So, despite Ryan doing everything he can to hand her the win, Marissa blows it and becomes the first person ever to lose two games in a single-elimination tournament.
Seth Cohen vs. Kirsten Cohen: We all know Kirsten could never bring herself to beat Seth at anything so, despite an overwhelming lack of athleticism, he makes it to the Final Four.
Next week: The tourney wraps up