“Spider-man: Far From Home” is set in the Marvel universe, so it’s a CGI-driven movie with a plot full of heavy-handed allegories and vaguely amusing jokes that will generate billions of dollars for Disney. This one has Tom Holland in it though, so it is kind of charming.

The crux of the plot is that an angry guy named Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), who’s in charge of a shadowy, poorly described entity with access to all kinds of fancy machines, is trying to gaslight a child (Spider-man) into stopping crimes as some sort of indentured servant. Sure, Spider-man wants to be a superhero and such, but more than that he wants to go to Europe and awkwardly flirt with the pretty girl he has a crush on.

Instead, he is kidnapped by Nick Fury’s minions, forced into a volatile workplace where he is verbally abused, and manipulated into giving a priceless piece of proprietary technology to an evil, bearded Jake Gyllenhaal.

And he doesn’t even get paid.

It’s not even like Nick Fury really values his contributions. If there were literally any other heroes available Spider-man would be tossed aside, leaving him sad and destitute and without anything to do, really, aside from feel the weight of failure bear down upon him as he enters his formative years.

Spider-man does all the work, and Nick Fury is the one running the show? Spider-man figures out evil Jake Gyllenhaal’s plan and works to thwart it and Nick Fury just sits in a tower and shouts out one-liners? Spider-man is working full-time at the age of 16 and Nick Fury gets to ride around in an Audi wearing leather coats?

The point is, he’s really getting the short end of the stick here. And, since Spider-man is assumably going to be joined by some pals in the new Avengers, he should really be proactive and do something to protect his future. Something complex, full of legalese, and including lifelong pensions and generous health care benefits.

What’s Nick Fury going to do about it? With a superhero strike — so the probable end of humanity — hanging over his bald, shiny head, he’d have to cave and give them whatever they wanted. It wouldn’t even be anything unreasonable, as all the heroes are instilled with a strong moral compass and desire to do the right thing or whatever, so it’s a win-win.

The important thing is the heroes present a unified front. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics found that for government service workers, obviously the category closest to superheroes, unionized employees made more than 50% more per hour than their non-unionized counterparts between 2001 and 2011. In addition to more money up front, a collective bargaining agreement would ensure the superheroes’ continued employment, making it harder for them to be fired for something silly like, say, accidentally destroying half of Prague.

What would that mean for the heroes going forward? It would mean securing a healthy financial future early on in their careers. It would mean freeing them from worry so they can focus on saving the world. It would mean they can be happy, healthy and full of vigor. And as they say, a happy hero is a helpful hero.

Spider-man may be far from home, but he’s not too far to stand up for his rights.

Rating: It was literally identical to every single other Marvel movie ever made, so if you’re into those you’ll probably like it.

Noah Ripley is a page designer at The News-Review. Reach him with movie suggestions, questions or anything else at 541-957-4205 or nripley@nrtoday.com.

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I don't need consciousness raising when I go to the theater....I just want mind-numbing entertainment.

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