Let God decide on Hebe statue

The controversy over Hebe would be howlingly funny were it not for the religious right's deadly earnest view of the little statue as a grave threat to the moral fiber of the community.

Although it is impossible to even get a decent Greek salad in this town, they seem to believe that public display of the Greek goddess will arouse some latent fervor for Hellenic polytheism in Roseburg, and subsequently lead us down a path of moral decay.

I believe that the only way to resolve this burning issue is to let God himself decide. I propose that we erect Hebe in a prominent place in Roseburg and allow God one week either to let the statue stand or to burst it asunder with a lightening bolt. I further suggest that if God sees fit to destroy the offending statue, we replace it with a life-size statue of Shirley Temple. Such a wholesome visage would likely serve to inspire future generations of youth to stick to the straight and narrow.

The only caveat to my proposal would be to post citizens to sniff for lingering odors of feta cheese from around what could potentially be the smoldering ruins of Hebe. Should such odors be detected we could only assume that Zeus, and not God Almighty, destroyed the statue. In such case, the question of replacing the statue might need to be resolved by a county-wide referendum.

Scott D. Mendelson

Roseburg