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ENLARGE
Tim Stephanos, a social worker with Mercy Hospice, plays the guitar as he visits with Joel Troot at his Roseburg apartmetn Friday.
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ENLARGE
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Ann Stults of Roseburg lost her husband, Lynn, to prostate cancer 10 years ago, and her son, Lee, six months later. She planted a bush in her backyard she received when her husband died and she buys a potted Christmas tree every year for her son and then plants it.
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One of the worst parts of losing her son, Ann Stults said, was when people she knew would cross the street rather than talk to her.
Also painful was their habit of never mentioning her son's name.
People were afraid to bring him up, she said, because they didn't want her to cry.
" ... I'm crying anyway. I don't care," she said.
Stults learned through losing her son to suicide, and her husband to prostate cancer just six months earlier, that certain words and deeds will always have their place.
WORDS TO SAY
Not knowing what to say when a friend, co-worker or neighbor experiences the death of a loved one is normal.
" ... You just come up and hug 'em and say, 'If you want to talk I'm here,'" said Stults, 63, of Roseburg.
The pastor at both her husband's and son's funerals, Mike Miller of Glide Baptist Church, knew exactly what to say, Stults said. At the funeral of her 31-year-old son, Lee Stults, the pastor asked the congregation to dwell on how he lived his life and the kind of man he was, rather than on his death.
Stults said she especially appreciated it when people initiated conversations about her son.
"Otherwise it's like, am I the only one who realizes he's gone?" she said. "It's a terrible emptiness."
Tim Stephanos, a social worker at Mercy Home Health and Hospice, said people should feel comfortable talking about the person who's gone.
"People do that in funerals -- they sit around and talk about the person," he said. "They talk about their memories of the person ... and usually funny memories."
He said it's nice to share remembrances of that person -- things that made them unique or stand out.
"What's gone? It isn't just their presence, it's specific stuff ... ," he said.
Hearing how others were affected by the loved one who has died can be a great source of comfort.
"Acknowledge their loss. Acknowledge how it affected you. I think it's good for people to know that other people had feelings for their loved ones too."
Stephanos, 53, lost his first wife, Betty Stephanos, five years ago to cancer and is now married to Cindi Caudill Stephanos.
After his wife died, the one thing he got tired of hearing was, "How are you doing?"
He wasn't sure how to answer.
"I was just kinda numb. You usually just say, 'OK' or 'lousy' or something."
Nancy Coplin, 63, a Roseburg resident who recently lost her husband to brain cancer, agrees.
"That's not a good thing to ask," said Coplin, a retired Mercy employee who worked in risk management and quality improvement.
"People usually ask it sincerely ... but everybody's asking you that," Stephanos said. "It's like you want to give them a CD with how you're doing so you don't have to keep saying it."
Everyday greetings are nice, he said.
"People get tired of being the bereaved person all the time."
Nancy Coplin's 27-year-old daughter, Nikki Coplin, feels similarly.
"'Are you OK?' is not the best sentence to use," said Coplin, who's a kindergarten teacher at Glide Elementary School. "Of course I'm not OK."
"Or 'how are you doing?' with a shoulder rub. Don't do that."
If unsure what to say, she said it's better to say, "I don't know what to say, but I'm sorry" and then give a hug.
HEARING THEIR GRIEF
The friends who stand out in Stephanos' mind are those who he felt heard his grief.
"Quite often silence is more dynamic than actually saying something," he said. "It isn't a matter of just not saying anything -- it's a matter of being with them, being very present with them."
People will generally tell their stories, he said. They need to talk about what they've just experienced and need someone looking them in the eye and really listening to what they're saying.
"If you keep your mouth shut long enough, you can hear where they're coming from, but it's difficult. We're compelled to say things."
Although he doesn't often share with his patients that he lost his first wife, when he does, he doesn't have to talk anymore.
"It's like they know that you know what's going on. It's like this common experience going on. You say things and they know it's not just from some book somewhere."
"I think that's part of bereavement -- to have people around you who can help you understand why you feel the way you feel," he said.
Also painful was their habit of never mentioning her son's name.
People were afraid to bring him up, she said, because they didn't want her to cry.
" ... I'm crying anyway. I don't care," she said.
Stults learned through losing her son to suicide, and her husband to prostate cancer just six months earlier, that certain words and deeds will always have their place.
WORDS TO SAY
Not knowing what to say when a friend, co-worker or neighbor experiences the death of a loved one is normal.
" ... You just come up and hug 'em and say, 'If you want to talk I'm here,'" said Stults, 63, of Roseburg.
The pastor at both her husband's and son's funerals, Mike Miller of Glide Baptist Church, knew exactly what to say, Stults said. At the funeral of her 31-year-old son, Lee Stults, the pastor asked the congregation to dwell on how he lived his life and the kind of man he was, rather than on his death.
Stults said she especially appreciated it when people initiated conversations about her son.
"Otherwise it's like, am I the only one who realizes he's gone?" she said. "It's a terrible emptiness."
Tim Stephanos, a social worker at Mercy Home Health and Hospice, said people should feel comfortable talking about the person who's gone.
"People do that in funerals -- they sit around and talk about the person," he said. "They talk about their memories of the person ... and usually funny memories."
He said it's nice to share remembrances of that person -- things that made them unique or stand out.
"What's gone? It isn't just their presence, it's specific stuff ... ," he said.
Hearing how others were affected by the loved one who has died can be a great source of comfort.
"Acknowledge their loss. Acknowledge how it affected you. I think it's good for people to know that other people had feelings for their loved ones too."
Stephanos, 53, lost his first wife, Betty Stephanos, five years ago to cancer and is now married to Cindi Caudill Stephanos.
After his wife died, the one thing he got tired of hearing was, "How are you doing?"
He wasn't sure how to answer.
"I was just kinda numb. You usually just say, 'OK' or 'lousy' or something."
Nancy Coplin, 63, a Roseburg resident who recently lost her husband to brain cancer, agrees.
"That's not a good thing to ask," said Coplin, a retired Mercy employee who worked in risk management and quality improvement.
"People usually ask it sincerely ... but everybody's asking you that," Stephanos said. "It's like you want to give them a CD with how you're doing so you don't have to keep saying it."
Everyday greetings are nice, he said.
"People get tired of being the bereaved person all the time."
Nancy Coplin's 27-year-old daughter, Nikki Coplin, feels similarly.
"'Are you OK?' is not the best sentence to use," said Coplin, who's a kindergarten teacher at Glide Elementary School. "Of course I'm not OK."
"Or 'how are you doing?' with a shoulder rub. Don't do that."
If unsure what to say, she said it's better to say, "I don't know what to say, but I'm sorry" and then give a hug.
HEARING THEIR GRIEF
The friends who stand out in Stephanos' mind are those who he felt heard his grief.
"Quite often silence is more dynamic than actually saying something," he said. "It isn't a matter of just not saying anything -- it's a matter of being with them, being very present with them."
People will generally tell their stories, he said. They need to talk about what they've just experienced and need someone looking them in the eye and really listening to what they're saying.
"If you keep your mouth shut long enough, you can hear where they're coming from, but it's difficult. We're compelled to say things."
Although he doesn't often share with his patients that he lost his first wife, when he does, he doesn't have to talk anymore.
"It's like they know that you know what's going on. It's like this common experience going on. You say things and they know it's not just from some book somewhere."
"I think that's part of bereavement -- to have people around you who can help you understand why you feel the way you feel," he said.
COMPASSIONATE ACTS
Stephanos read each word of the sympathy cards he received -- even the catchy jingles.
"I read all those cards. There was just this connection that I felt in all of that," he said, noting that cards are much more powerful than people might think.
Recording specific memories about the individual in the card is also appreciated.
After the influx of cards immediately following the death of a loved one, cards that continue to trickle in are equally cherished.
Nikki Coplin recently received a card from a friend in Arizona.
"That meant the world to me," she said. "It's nice to know people still think about you and your loss."
Stults, a retired teacher from the South Umpqua School District, said she really appreciated it when people would send her a card on the anniversary of her son's death. Stults is also leader of Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents, grandparents and grown siblings who have experienced the loss of a child.
"Whoever you are, at that moment when you relive the day, you think you're the only one remembering."
It's really important for friends to remember that the date of someone's death may be a difficult time, Stephanos said.
"You get less crazy as time goes on, but the loss never really goes away," he said.
Gifts most appreciated were hearty plants known for their longevity. Stephanos suggests a begonia.
Nikki Coplin said, "Flowers just end up dying and then all you think about is more death."
Or, in lieu of flowers, donate money to a favorite charity in the person's name, Nikki and Nancy Coplin suggested.
Stephanos received a cyclamen plant and a dogwood tree when his wife died, both of which are still living.
"There's something wonderful about a plant that continues to grow," he said.
Meals are certainly appreciated, but Stephanos, the Coplins and Stults all agree that one is not very hungry for a time following the death of a loved one.
Stephanos suggests preparing freezable, prepackaged foods so a lot of food isn't wasted.
Stults said it was hard being asked what people could do for her.
"I didn't know what I wanted them to do. It's totally out of my thought process to think someday I'd lose my son. Never, ever occurred to me," she said.
It's best to offer specific acts -- do the dishes, help in the yard, help with the memorial service or tidy up the house.
Nancy Coplin suggests adding, "when you're ready" to offers to help.
Stephanos had a friend who, with his permission, came over and took over the household. It took the burden off of the everyday chores, he said.
He said offering to do something concrete is helpful, like ensuring your friend who just lost a loved one has eaten. People can be so bereaved they forget to take care of themselves, he said.
Nikki Coplin said she responded better to friends who made specific offers.
It works both ways, Stephanos said. The bereaved person should also make specific requests so people have opportunities to help, because so often they want to and don't know how.
Attending the funeral, if at all possible, is also key. Nikki Coplin said she worried that they'd have a big memorial service for her father and people wouldn't come. But the high school gym was packed.
"Doug was so friendly to people," Nancy Coplin said of her husband, who taught at Glide Middle School and coached softball there and at Glide High School. "He was just friendly, and so that came back to us."
* Reporter Jennifer Mathis can be reached at 957-4208 or via e-mail at jmathis@newsreview.info.
Stephanos read each word of the sympathy cards he received -- even the catchy jingles.
"I read all those cards. There was just this connection that I felt in all of that," he said, noting that cards are much more powerful than people might think.
Recording specific memories about the individual in the card is also appreciated.
After the influx of cards immediately following the death of a loved one, cards that continue to trickle in are equally cherished.
Nikki Coplin recently received a card from a friend in Arizona.
"That meant the world to me," she said. "It's nice to know people still think about you and your loss."
Stults, a retired teacher from the South Umpqua School District, said she really appreciated it when people would send her a card on the anniversary of her son's death. Stults is also leader of Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents, grandparents and grown siblings who have experienced the loss of a child.
"Whoever you are, at that moment when you relive the day, you think you're the only one remembering."
It's really important for friends to remember that the date of someone's death may be a difficult time, Stephanos said.
"You get less crazy as time goes on, but the loss never really goes away," he said.
Gifts most appreciated were hearty plants known for their longevity. Stephanos suggests a begonia.
Nikki Coplin said, "Flowers just end up dying and then all you think about is more death."
Or, in lieu of flowers, donate money to a favorite charity in the person's name, Nikki and Nancy Coplin suggested.
Stephanos received a cyclamen plant and a dogwood tree when his wife died, both of which are still living.
"There's something wonderful about a plant that continues to grow," he said.
Meals are certainly appreciated, but Stephanos, the Coplins and Stults all agree that one is not very hungry for a time following the death of a loved one.
Stephanos suggests preparing freezable, prepackaged foods so a lot of food isn't wasted.
Stults said it was hard being asked what people could do for her.
"I didn't know what I wanted them to do. It's totally out of my thought process to think someday I'd lose my son. Never, ever occurred to me," she said.
It's best to offer specific acts -- do the dishes, help in the yard, help with the memorial service or tidy up the house.
Nancy Coplin suggests adding, "when you're ready" to offers to help.
Stephanos had a friend who, with his permission, came over and took over the household. It took the burden off of the everyday chores, he said.
He said offering to do something concrete is helpful, like ensuring your friend who just lost a loved one has eaten. People can be so bereaved they forget to take care of themselves, he said.
Nikki Coplin said she responded better to friends who made specific offers.
It works both ways, Stephanos said. The bereaved person should also make specific requests so people have opportunities to help, because so often they want to and don't know how.
Attending the funeral, if at all possible, is also key. Nikki Coplin said she worried that they'd have a big memorial service for her father and people wouldn't come. But the high school gym was packed.
"Doug was so friendly to people," Nancy Coplin said of her husband, who taught at Glide Middle School and coached softball there and at Glide High School. "He was just friendly, and so that came back to us."
* Reporter Jennifer Mathis can be reached at 957-4208 or via e-mail at jmathis@newsreview.info.
