After beginning to read “The 5 Love Languages: Single Edition” by Gary Chapman, I have learned that my last serious relationship had failed due to a lack of filling up my love tank.
I have learned through taking the 5 Love Languages test that my love language is words of affirmation. This makes so much sense to me now. My last relationship most definitely lacked that. In fact, instead of receiving words of affirmation, I received ugly words, and words that just tore me down.
I began to believe I was what he said I was: scandalous, pathetic, worthless and many others that, as a hard-working, independent female, should not be hearing.
Now, I’m not saying that he was the only one to have faults in the relationship.
I know I went wrong as well. Maybe I was trying to fill his love tank with what my love language was for myself. Maybe that wasn’t his love language at all.
No matter what I did in that relationship though, I was always wrong. After three years, enough was enough. We split up. It only took two other break up periods in between to get me to realize that I was trying to settle rather than give myself what I deserved in a man.
I have learned that settling isn’t the answer. Comfortability isn’t always comfort, and love isn’t always peaceful. That relationship was toxic love.
Talking with friends and hearing their relationship issues, I have to ask them why they stay. I get the same answer every time, “Because I love him so much.”
I cannot understand this.
Maybe this is because I haven’t ever been in love. Maybe it’s because their love tank is being filled in the areas it is needed most and they can survive their relationship knowing that or maybe it is because the good times outweigh the bad.
Maybe I won’t ever understand until I am put in the position of loving another so much that I could not fathom life without them.
I was trying to find my identity through my very toxic relationship. I never found who I truly was through it. I became friends with depression and misery rather than keep them at a distance. I found that home was the best place to be - sheltered away from everyone else.
I was losing my identity faster than I could find it. I didn’t want the world to know that my perfect Facebook relationship was really just a façade to cover up the toxic, hateful love I was receiving behind closed doors.
Life was easier that way. Everything looks better on Facebook, right? No one had to know the truth.
At the time, whenever anyone asked how it was going, I said the same thing every time, “It’s going great!” But really I wanted nothing more than to cry and explode.
How do you do that when that’s the only thing you know and that is who you have become?
The final breakup was the best thing to ever happen to me. It was not an overnight fix, not even within a month. It took a good solid year, maybe even longer, before I realized that I was not who he had made me to be.
I was beginning to find my identity in what HE had made me to be: “For I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). Depression and misery faded, friends grew closer, and my support circle expanded beyond belief.
My identity was beginning to reveal itself. Not the identity of the person who was toxic, but rather the person who was wholeheartedly loved with every ounce of being.
At this time in my life, I have found a perfect love: God. After going through my trials and tribulations, God has become my loving relationship and my rock. I now understand what love is: never hateful, always peaceful, and soul-fulling.
I have learned the importance of commitment in my relationship and filling my love tank. I have learned that in my Father’s eyes, I can do no wrong because I have been forgiven. This is the most beautiful love I have ever encountered.
I cannot fathom life without my rock, my Savior. I have put all of my trust in Him to provide me with the type of man that He knows will provide me with this same peaceful love.
I trust in Him to give me the opportunity to experience a love so strong that I will look back and ask myself how I survived all these years without it. Gods timing is never wrong.
As I sit here and write this out, I have peace knowing that I can wait for whatever His plans are for me, and trust with everything He has made me to be.