Hayley Ziebart
moms@nrtoday.com

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March 1, 2013
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Hayley Ziebart: Letting go of 'me,' to gain 'we'

In all the craziness of the past couple of months literally revolving around me and my cancer, it's time... it's PAST time, in fact... that I take some steps back again.

Don't get me wrong. The cards, the meals, the gifts, the gestures...all in response to ME and how I've somehow inspired you all...they are beautiful. They are beyond just thanks, quite honestly. Humbling, as I keep saying.

But in the mix of all this mess that is now life and, in fact, the fight for life are my life's most prized gifts, still there, still being what they always have been.

My boys.

My husband will never speak aloud what true sides of me there are, what he sees and experiences of me that almost no others do. (The fire that matches the red wig, quite honestly).

He will never use my short-comings to lash out or get back at me for things that are very honest truths in the way that my firey-femaleness tends to do.

He will never make me feel less than beautiful enough -- even when I'm just one bald and hairless looking alien -- I'm "still just as beautiful to him."

He is these things to me because he loves me, and perhaps he loves me in a signifcantly deeper, more mature love than I myself have yet to learn.

Since cancer entered our lives, Aaron has continued without complaint supporting our household, swallowing his real stresses, working over-time to provide and protect us from any further pressures than are already sitting on our daily lives. He has gotten up (he's never been nor will ever be a morning person) in the early hours to get over to the clinic on a daily basis -- even seeing patients before he's technically open -- doing whatever it takes and all the while hoping he's fooling me that he and everything is still completely under control.

Something I've always loved about our relationship is no matter how disconnected we get just in the craziness that is life... I know him. I know when all is not fine and we know that about each other. We don't require words anymore. Not that we don't use them or need them. They just aren't imperative in communicating the crucial stuff. There is no hiding. There is no successful pretending. WE ARE RAW.

We don't count partial anniversaries or sit eager by the front door, waiting for the other to come home. Those were the newlywed days that, though once upon a time we vowed we'd never get old in (translating it as a sign that we'd forgotten how to love) is, in fact, quite the opposite. Our love is too mature - we grew out of those things when the memories of each chapter became far more meaningful than just a date on a calendar and realizing, still, that these memories are being written every moment of every day that we are allotted.

And we're still learning.

I'm learning that Aaron's love for me runs much deeper than how many projects I can get him to accomplish for/with me, while Aaron is learning how to enjoy accomplishing some of the necessary ones... not for me but with me.

You see...

I'm learning right this very second as I type that relationships aren't about the 'I' or the 'Me' or the 'My' at all.
They never were. The very day we said "I do"..."me" became "we."

I am not going through cancer. I am not fighting a battle for my life. We are battling for our life to continue together.
The unification of marriage that Christ talks about is acting and is very, very real.

The oneness of the man and the woman, when married, is not metaphorical and is, in fact, crucial to a marriage's survival.

No, I'm not turning this into a marriage-help blog. Certainly, if you gain any good reminders from this entry, great.
But this is me preaching to well, me and this is God teaching me to let go of "me."

So when you see your spouse today, don't just do something nice for him/her or leave little notes around the house. Sure, those are all sweet, sentimental gestures.

But God's love for us...His DESIRE for us is to step back from sentimental and stride forward, into Him with our spouse tied three-legged race-style to our side, forgetting all about the me ever existing.

My marriage to Aaron is far from perfect - he and I both know that. God is currently, in fact, using cancer to continue to fix many of our previous problems. Funny how that works.

But it shouldn't take cancer. It doesn't. It just takes wanting to be in God's awesome presence of Joy and Grace. And once you've had even the most menial taste of that kind of thriving, letting go of "me" is overwhelmingly worth the gain of "we."

Hayley Ziebart is married with two sons. Read her Fridays on Douglas County Moms. Also check out her personal blog here.

I am not going through cancer. I am not fighting a battle for my life. We are battling for our life to continue together.


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The News-Review Updated Nov 18, 2013 07:34PM Published Mar 11, 2013 08:24AM Copyright 2013 The News-Review. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.