This blog on Huff Post Parents has been getting a lot of laughs and social media shares. We thought we would share...
So you've decided to breastfeed. Fantastic! Breastfeeding is a wonderful way to nourish your baby while establishing early bonding. Unfortunately, breast milk comes out of breasts so there are a few ground rules that we need to cover.
As you know, (female) modesty is a highly protected value in modern society. Unless you're a magazine cover model or in a music video, exposing your female udder flesh is entirely inappropriate. Science has proven that breasts are basically large vaginas. Only you and your partner should ever see them. Just because your breast-ginas are full of milk, doesn't mean you get to wave them around.
"I don't expose much when I breastfeed." This is a common excuse made by exhibitionist mothers. Just knowing that your nipples may become visible at any time is offensive and a temptation to married or newly engaged men.
Real life stories:
"I saw a woman breastfeeding in a park and was overcome with desire. I left my wife the same day." - John, 34, Nebraska
"I was a married man with eight kids. Last month I saw a woman nursing her infant at a park. I am now married to her." - Luke, 45, South Dakota
"Two years ago I was a successful business executive handling important transactions. Then I saw a breastfeeding mother. I became obsessed with nipples and lost my job. I can't make ends meet." - Anthony, 45
None of us would urinate in public (sober), so please show us the same courtesy and release your mommy nectar out of sight.
Note: Peeing in public and breastfeeding in public are identical because in both cases liquid is coming out. Crying in public is different because it's happening above the neck. If you can breastfeed out of your eye sockets, be my guest.
Here are a few tips that mothers should and need to adopt to help the rest of us feel comfortable.