I’ll stick my neck out and predict that the world won’t end this year. If I’m wrong — and we’re hit by a meteor, or wiped out by Godzilla in the next week or so — you won’t be around to call me on it anyway, so that’s a pretty safe bet.
This is the time of year we are treated to predictions by various psychics and other doomsayers who seem to enjoy pouring water on our holiday joy.
Many have been waiting in underground bunkers, hoping that all hell breaks loose so they can tell the rest of us they told us so.
Some of them suggested that we’d be under martial law by now, while others gleefully predicted an economic collapse.
These people are not the kind of people you should invite to a party. Back in the day they’d be referred to as “downers.”
Take Mike Adams, for example. Last New Year’s Day, Mike penned a piece for something called Natural News, wherein he made “20 Dark Predictions” for 2013, a year he said would be filled with oppression and insanity.
OK, let’s stop right there. The world has been filled with oppression and insanity since the days we ran around naked. You try to live in a dark cave with no fire and see if it doesn’t drive you nuts.
“Madness is about to be unleashed on many fronts,” Mike wrote, while the rest of us were celebrating the New Year. Imagine waking up with that bit of news on New Year’s Day. “In the near future you will look back on 2012 and think, ‘Wow, those were good times!’”
I don’t know about you, but so far 2013 has kicked the hell out of 2012. That’s not a great feat, mind you. Most would probably agree that 2012 sucked and 2013 just sucked a little less.
But if we continue that trend we’ll eventually stumble upon one hell of a good year. My guess is that 2014 will suck less than 2012 and 2013 combined. I’ll get to the reasons in a minute.
Mike predicted the U.S. would be under martial law by now, something I’ve heard predicted on several fronts. The theory is that Obama is confiscating our guns and preparing to send in the troops (U.N. troops) to patrol our neighborhoods.
It’s why you can’t find ammunition these days.
Some of Mike’s predictions have actually come true, but they were pretty safe bets as well. He said 2013 would be the year we’d see more government and not less.
But that’s our fault. We’ve become a society of wimps unable to get out of bed without the government’s help.
If anything, 2013 was the Year of The Wussy. Under the guise of political correctness, we’ve been neutered.
If you don’t believe me, guys, listen to your own voice. It’s probably at least an octave higher than it was in 2012.
Another guy named Mike wrote a blog for … get this … theeconomiccollapse.com … wherein he made 50 predictions for 2013.
Number 14 on Mike’s Top 50 list was this one: “By the end of 2013 more people than ever will understand what derivatives are because they will have caused major problems in the financial world.”
Sorry, Mike. I asked 10 people in the office to tell me what derivatives are and none of them knew. They did, however, know the names of at least one finalist on “The Voice.”
Mike also said the Dow (stock market) would end “significantly lower” than it was when Mike made the prediction on the first day of 2013.
It looks like Mike will miss that one by a pretty big margin. The Dow closed at around 13,100 on Jan. 2, 2013, and it sits at almost 15,500 today. If you listened to Mike last year, you missed out on one hell of a good year on Wall Street, all things considered.
So here are my Top 10 predictions for 2014:
1. The state and federal government will continue to debate timber harvesting on Oregon’s public lands and environmentalists will file at least three lawsuits to stop approved harvests.
2. The barred owls will continue to murder the spotted owls despite a government bounty on their own heads.
3. Local and county officials will continue to discuss homelessness, while the homeless remain homeless.
4. Art Robinson will run for Congress again. And lose to Peter DeFazio — again.
5. Another Douglas County school will face closure.
6. The Oregon Duck football team will be ranked in the Top 5 in the preseason polls and will unveil a new uniform color scheme that will include at least a hint of pink.
7. Jerry Brown will announce his candidacy for president, while Miley Cyrus mulls a bid to become California’s next governor.
8. North Korea’s Kim Jong II will name Dennis Rodman secretary of defense.
9. The Ackerman family dog will kill another chicken, despite repeated warnings.
10. The world will not end.
• Jeff Ackerman is publisher of The News-Review. He can be reached at 541-957-4263 or firstname.lastname@example.org.